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 Mail me Wednesday, November 26, 2003
 Anarchists aren't much for spelling. The meaning I take from this applies to any system of beliefs, even the ones the average anarchist has created for themselves. We either innovate or die, slow empty lives living in whatever box we have sqeezed ourselves into. Open minds, open world. The bastards that created most of the worlds problems step in to resolve them by a means that is only beneficial to them. American military spending is now at cold war levels $401 Bn, the companies that benefit are the ones that supported Bush. Is that a coincidence? We are sheep. all of us including me. Stray from the flock and the wolves will rip your throat out. Namaste Tuesday, November 25, 2003
 From Kent State, where on May 4, 1970 National Guardsmen (background) fired in to a crowd of demonstrators, killing four and wounding nine? I like this Image. It shows the cowardice of men with guns. True courage is standing for what you believe despite the conseqences. It may be time for this sentiment to rise again. Society is becoming a dumb consuming mass herded by very clever manipulators. The way the anti Bush protesters were herded and bullied was depressing. In small groups we are vulnerable, the police arrest, manipulate and record; the police transgress the law. At their worst the police are no better than the type of thugs employed by the average 3rd world dictator. I don't want to come across as some hysterical anti police nut. Police are usually quite sympathetic to marchers in a good cause, however remember what happened to the anti Chinese protestors during the President of Chinas visit. The pacifist Tibetan protestors were beaten and intimidated for daring to show the Tibetan flag. When 2 million march there is little that people like Blair or the entire UK police force can do. I'm proud to live in a country where 2 million people can march peacufully and show their beliefs. I get sick of the usual suspect who try to hijack the march. I get particularly frustarted with shallow activist who try to reduce issues such as Israel-Palestine to a simple Black and white isssue. There is hope. I believe that good people will always prevail and peace will win. The ultimate illusion is that of control. The people have a habit of occasionally reminding ruling elites what a empty belief that is. Namaste. Monday, November 24, 2003
 This image summarises my feelings quite well. Just gone through a period where I had few real words. Beginning to find some words again. The irony is when I met friends I seemed to say alot but the word were a method of saying nothing. More soon. Wednesday, October 08, 2003
 One of the friezes from the Elgin Marbles Death to comfort zones. I want to challenge myself, scare myself again- a lesson learnt from my partner. Why the picture, it's me escaping. Namaste Monday, October 06, 2003
 Picture of Ocean- Nicked, appropriately enough, from a Taoism web site We are an ocean, in which our many parts swim. We lose ourselves by becoming a small fraction of "the self", a miniscule fish in that endless water. Dare to be the ocean, see how big you really are. Namaste. Friday, October 03, 2003
 Da Vinci Battle I dreamt the other night I was small and powerless, I was in a room full of people talking and my words could not be heard. I knew nothing I could say would convince anybody of anything, I was totally inadeqate, powerless and lost. I had this dream over two nights. Ever since I have felt disconnected from my energy and powerless. My love is in Swansea. I've lost a part of myself and I am weaker for the loss. Why the Da Vinci sketch, the skectch captures how I feel. Peace & Love Tuesday, September 30, 2003
 Da Vinci Skull Study I wanted a skull illustration. Thank to the wonders of the internet I found one by a genius 500 years dead. I have been thinking about one's voices. The little quiet voices we have in our heads which whisper away- all the people I have questioned about them say they are always negative. The worst approach we can take to them is to ignore them. They will only get louder. They need to be heard and by being louder in your head they will be. By giving them voice they then lose their potency. It is an irony that by giving the voices power of expression they lose the power to control one's thoughts. Also these voices have something to teach about who we are, it is often interesting to follow what is behind them. A voice of mine that criticised my intelligence, when followed to its root ,was full of childhood memories of my father and sister criticising me. Seeing that vision gave me the insight I needed to overcome that voice. The form of expression is a personal choice. Music, poetry, song, a conversation with a friend, a talk with a pillow. I prefer to write. I'm learning the guitar and hope that will also be a voice for me one day. Often the experience has to be repeated many time to have affect. These voices are a form of hypnosis, a quiet continuous suggestion. Learning from them, give yourself you own quiet, continuous suggestions. I will escape. Namaste. Monday, September 29, 2003
 Wheatfield with Crows, 1890 Oil on Canvas, 50.5 X 103 cm Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam What amazing bright colours. This painting has a childish edge to it. Some impressionists had an ambition to learn to paint as children do. I wonder if Van Gogh had that goal. Mentally and physically exhausted. Just want to sleep. It was my loves first day at university to day, my thoughts have been with her all day. Dreamed I was powerless, I was in rooms full of people that had power over me and I was voiceless. Not many word in me today. More tomorrow. Love, Peace and Happiness- especially to my love. Thursday, September 25, 2003
 View of the Mediterranean at Maguelonne, 1858 Oil on Canvas, 92 x 135 cm Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam Fuming with anger. The fuckwit managers at work have just screwed the workforce over. I won't go into gory details. It is my first complete screwing at work. I'm trying to be positive. They have done me favour. I have all the motivation I need to move on, however this thinking still leaves the energy of my anger which needs to be expressed. My love is now studying English at Swansea university, no she isn't 18; she has returned to university as a mature student. I miss her, I even shed a tear or two last night when I went to sleep and she wasn't there next to me, unusual for me as I almost never cry Stunning painting, could be Swansea Beach, I would rather be there then here right now. Peace & Love Thursday, September 18, 2003
 By Pontormo Study of Saint Francis : Verso: Dead Christ Italian, about 1517 Black chalk I am still punch drunk from 1/2 a bottle of wine and plenty of sleep. It takes until lunch before I am fully awake. Not many word in me today. Feel positive and happy. Namaste Wednesday, September 17, 2003
 Christ of St. John of the Cross,1951" by Salvador Dali I have been thinking about fear and the psycho drama we impose on the world around us. My thoughts on fear were sparked by a conversation with a Tae Kwon Do instructor. He was describing the belts and the meaning of the colours. Apparently the black of the black belt signifies fear, not the fear that others should have of you but the facing of inner fears. I immediately realised what my deepest fear was. It has shaped my life however it is a fear not a reality. I was subject to a curious set of experiences recently. I put charachters around me into roles from my childhood, they acted the part and I re-experienced old emotion from that period. I was self aware enough to know it was happening but was trapped. It wasn't a conscious decision to re-enact the past and the people around me didn't realise they were doing so. I suspect this is a cycle and has re-occurred many times. Only now have I been aware enough to know it is happening. When it was all over I felt abandoned, empty and lonely. My running helped me recover from the brief depression and allowed me to reconnect with my energy and creativity Why the picture? Christ hangs over a black chasm, is he experiencing his fear of the chasm, of death. He may be regarded as a God but he came to Earth as a man with human fears. Peace & Love Tuesday, September 16, 2003
 Death Loves Me" by Todd Lockwoood I'm in a Dark mood at the moment. Death can seem seductive-she is wonderfully illustrated above. Living Death, is to be abandoned, step lightly so it never happens again. Breathe too deep and you will fall until the pit envelops you. Namaste Monday, September 15, 2003
 Heath at Laren, 1887 Watercolour, 52.5 x 81.5 cm Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam A lonely scene, it reflects how I feel at the moment. I have been fighting my demons all weekend and feel I have lost the battle. Zen in one sentence, " To be able to view the Moon clearly on the surface of the pond". The pond is you, the self causes the pond to ripple. The only way to see clearly is to remove the self. I can't see anything anymore, the pond has mountainous waves. Fear and shame. Friday, September 12, 2003
 Christus Consolator, 1837 Oil on Canvas, 184 x 248 cm On loan from the Amsterdams Historisch Museum, Amsterdam Religious painting seems the same the world over. This picture reminds me of the Sikh paintings my parents used to display in makeshift little shrines, completely contrary to the principles of Sikhism however many Sikhs do it anyway. This style of painting triggers thoughts of desperate parents with ill children ,and little hope, praying in front of them. Thursday, September 11, 2003
 Vierge nimbée, 1898 Pastel, 44 x 28 cm Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam* What an incredible picture. What is going on. It reminds me of a dark winter morning, half asleep, last nights dreams- maybe nightmares- dissipating. Who or what is that glowing light halo-ing. I feel depression in this painting with a hint of the devine. Is it a start to a day or an ending. The dead plants hint at an ending. I have felt low and tired ever since I finished the half marathon on Sunday. My energy is back today, I felt embattled, tense and depressed. With Sarah's help I have bounced back. I had a jon interview yesterday, not a job I particularly want but I would like to get to second round of interviews. Sarah bought me a metronome and I have been practising my guitar in time to it. Playing the guitar in time has plenty to teach me about calm under pressure. If my fingering on one chord is slightly inaccurate it usually has an affect on the next chord in the sequence until the accummulative effect is that I am unable to play a chord further doen the sequence. It is an exercise in self belief. I am phyisically capable of playing every chord when it is required, accurately and correctly however I need the self belief to do it under pressure. Namaste Friday, September 05, 2003
 Sunflowers, 1889. Yasuda Kasai Museum of Art, Tokyo Ok its a cliche. But I wanted something to represent the Sun. I feel the life of the Sun in this painting ,more than any other. We are the Suns energy flowing to chaos. We express that energy in creativity, That energy blocked is depression-death. That energy released is life. Namaste Thursday, September 04, 2003
 Still Life with Bible, 1885 Oil on Canvas, Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam Feel a bit hyper this morning. Need to calm down or I will blow a fuse. Too much going on, guitar practice, French, Job interviews, marathon running. Need to ensure there is space for me. As for the picture, lets just say I love books. Peace. Wednesday, September 03, 2003
 Cottages, 1883 Oil on Canvas, 35 X 55.5 cm Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam (Vincent van Gogh Foundation) Definitely one of Van Gogh's dark periods. Again very atmospheric. The distance to the cottages seems insurmountable, I want to go to them but can't, my place is here, outside, observing. The scene is empty of people. The sky is dark and Wintry. I can feel Van Gogh's loneliness just emanating from the canvas. It is the opposite of how I feel at the moment. This morning I was writing my diary, just as I put my meditation music on the room burst into light from the rising Sun. I could feel its life filling me. Namaste. Tuesday, September 02, 2003
 View of the Sea at Scheveningen, 1882 Oil on Canvas, 34.5 X 51 cm Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam (Vincent van Gogh Foundation What an incredible painting. I could look at it all day. How has he captured not just the scene but the feel and energy of the moment. The colours are so dead but the result is so alive, I can feel the sea and sense the rain clouds coming in. I can sense Van Gogh's sheer creative energy. I slept well last night. I neglect my sleep at my peril. I'm usually mentally exhausted and depressed the next day if I don't get enough. Lack of sleep affects my memory and ability to think clearly. I have decided to make sure I get enough. The secret of combatting depression is to be creative. Don't let the bastards block your creativity. My creativity is me, block that and I block myself and start to die. Friday, August 29, 2003
 Francesco di Marco Marmitta da Parma (Emilian, 1457 (?)-1505) Adoration of the Shepherds (recto), 15th century, ca. 1492-95 Finally recoverd from my tiredness. Slept well last night. French was fun, as always. I was too tired to take much of it in. Todays painting was picked purely for its colours. The blues are quite beautiful and the painting feels fresh and alive. I'm going to be applying for a PhD in Holland today. I probably have no chance of getting it and I'm not sure I want to leave the country. However it does sound like an adventure. My energy is good. I feel I can do anything. The sustained feeling I have had for the past 6 months could be likened to the manic phase as described by a manic-depressive. In the past I used to get brief phases of energy then the depression would take hold again. However I feel more balanced, I dont have the sense my calm will evaporate and I need to fill it to take advantage of it. I have a dangerous instrument to hand, a well written CV and an "I can do anything attitude". I'm apprehensive of the potential for life change I am armed with. My apprehension arrises from the fear that change can be for the good or worst. I hope I stay this positive. Is mood like the seasons. In winter we forget Summer and in Summer Winter is forgotten, apart from the briefest glimpse of one in the other. Thursday, August 28, 2003
 Ludolf Backhuysen Ships in Distress off a Rocky Coast, 1667 Ailsa Mellon Bruce Fund 1985.29.1 Still tired. I will be working late to make up flexi-time. Then I have 3hrs of French. I need sleep and plenty of it. I feel a little low, mostly due to tiredness. When I'm tired everything feels distant and thinking clearly is difficult. I used to be hard on myself for being tired ,never allowing myself to have an excuse. I have learnt to accept who I am. I have allowed my body to teach me what it is capable of, I allow the world to teach me. I still have lousy concentration but I'm learning patience. I wish I could observe as well as Mr Backhuysen, see above. I wonder what the world can teach me if I have the patience to listen and observe. Wednesday, August 27, 2003
 Albrecht Dürer Knight, Death and Devil, 1513 Gift of W.G. Russell Allen 1941.1.20 I am exhausted. I ran 20 Km on Monday then when I got home I caught a burglar trying to break into the flat above mine. I have been angry with people around me. I feel criticised. Normally I would have internalised the anger and blamed myself. I no longer do that. I'm eccentric and that gets adverse attention. I can live with that, and I can get angry. People are threatened by others who look and think differently, as I do. I'm not going to change for their benefit. I tried that and I only got hurt and lost. If someone can't or won't understand me that is their problem. Most criticism seems to come from their own personal insecurity. I am the knight on his journey. There is the Devil to tempt me and death is always behind life, the Black Sun. I will travel my journey and others will have to travel theirs. Tuesday, August 26, 2003
 Michelangelo Buonarroti 1475-1563 Deploration over the Dead Christ Red chalk His work feels so modern. Even in this sketch you can feel the lifelessness of Christ's body Thursday, August 21, 2003
I'm back.
I haven't written my Blog for a while. It was part of a whole process that sucked so much poison out of my system that it left me a happy, postive wreck of a person. I can see a future and there is a point. Politician will always be liars, if you are foolish enough to believe the likes of Bush and Blair then smug self satsified hippys such as myself will be there say "told you so". I'm learning to play the guitar and speak French. I am on the verge of changing career. The only problem is what to do next, I have so many options. I'm highly qualified, intelligent and have bags of experience. I have no debts or money worries. The best thing of all is that I have great friends and my bestest(sic) friend is my lover. My closest friends I met at University and I have now known for nearly 15yrs. I plan to start writing soon. Too many good writers in the world for me to stand out. Maybe if I work at it I could become an excellent writer or poet even and someone will want to read what I have to write. I can also run a marathon ,I bench more weight than ever and my biceps are bulging, best of allis that the beer belly is almost gone. I still worry about my family to which there have been numerous additions, all of Sarah's for a start. Sorry to sound so self-satisfied. I have just come through a really painful period in my life. I won't bore you with the minutae. It is unusual for me to be bright and positive and I plan to revel in it. I have always been quixotic and with such an outlook comes a painful life. I have just grown up/recovered from a nervous breakdown/both. Love Hope Peace & Happiness Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Monday, April 28, 2003
Excellent weekend. A little tired. Went for a run last night to give me some energy and then watched "Good Will Hunting" while drinking Jacob's Creek sparkling wine, fine Champagne in all but name. I have been working on my beliefs. The most interesting aspect of this work is learning what they are. They are mostly magical, some are terrifying. An interesting discovery is that I am where I am because I believe that is where I deserve to be. My beliefs have decided where I am to live and the job I believe I deserve. Well they are changing.
The first sign is that I am enjoying life more than ever. I believe I deserve a better job. I shall now find a new one. Something interesting and worthwhile. I used to believe I didn't deserve the job I really wanted so I never had a chance of getting it. I used to believe I was capable of anything and I deserved a damn good career. I want to rediscover that belief. Wednesday, April 23, 2003
30 000 year Old Cave Painting  I have been thinking about beliefs and connections. I have been observing all the connections I have made over the past few weeks and discovered I have connected in unexpected ways. I'm sounding all abstract and theoretical, i'll illustrate my point with an example. I have bought a kite, I bought it because I enjoyed flying my girlfriend's counsin's kite. I flew it on the seafront at Torquay the day after my friends wedding, he was the groom. The bride's friends, who are from China, took part in the kite flying. There is now a connection between my girlfriend counsin and the bride's friends from China. If one mentions the kite to the other the connection would fire and it would be observed that it is a real connection and not an abstract theory. The photo above is of a cave painting thought to be one of the earliest examples of art. A human from a distant, alien time painted it. And now there is a connection between this human and you. I wonder if the painter could concieve of the means of this connection. As for beliefs it will be something along the lines of what do we believe, and how do our beliefs limit us. More later Thursday, April 17, 2003
 I feel that I have a mountain to climb. I have a clearer idea of the career I want and it is a question of fighting for it. I despair at the task infront of me. To escape from this mundane job to a more interesting, life fulfilling role. I feel negative when I need not be, I have good qualifications, a potentially excellent CV , I just need the confidence to employ my resources to the task. My energy feels drained every time I enter this place. Right I'll be out of here within six months. I'm quite good at climbing mountains. I've topped a few in my time and the secret is to never give up.  Tuesday, April 15, 2003
William Blake- Red Dragon  This is one of my favourite paintings. The only defence against the great Dragon is to clothe oneself in the sun.There are probably numerous messages in this painting knowing Blake. My interpretation ,for today, is that it represents the British Spring protecting against the foul stinking pits of depression. I have learnt to allow myself to be empty in the moment and to accept that every moment of life is important. I feel I have stripped my life back to its foundations and found a critical, impatient, and imbalanced person there. I am learning patience and the art of being still, I expect this process will last the rest of my life. I feel I can build on this foundation; build for the future I really want and not to satisfy my demons. I have clothed myself in the Sun and my demons are shriveling away. Sunday, April 13, 2003
The Wanderer Returns  The girlfriend is back from South Africa and this is what she had to say"Back in Blighty - sad to have left Africa behind, but excited to see what the future holds ...." Saturday, April 12, 2003
My Bay Window  This is the view from my bay window this fine Spring morning. It is where I sit and stare, steeling myself before another day's work. The birds are singing and it is peaceful. It is an enriching experience sitting in my comfortable swivel chair and just staring out, marvelling at the Sun and the bird song. Happy Saturday. Friday, April 11, 2003
Me and My Kite On the Beach
 I've been thinking about the scenes from the past which play in my head. There are half a dozen of them and they have replayed themselves so often that they fade into the background of my day. On occasions when I "write out" a knot in my stomach I find they are there. I realised that they are scenes from points in my life that shapped who I am today. I see them as places where I am trapped, or more accurately was trapped. I went back to all those claustrophobic places and I have rescued myself from them. In truth I am still rescueing myself ,I don't really know how long I will have to continue to do so but at least I can. It took 33 years to see that. I am a stranger to myself. How little I knew of what went on in my head and why. I don't believe we are rational creatures. We are driven by deeper forces. Our conscious mind rides these currents, usually helpless. I am the kite flyer and I have less control then I presume. (pretentious but a great reference to kite flying and good excuse for the picture). Thursday, April 10, 2003
My energy is low. I have discovered that my job is the main irritant in my life. It is unrewarding, boring and unchallenging ;everything else in my life is pretty good at the moment. Few words in me today. Feel vulnerable. Slept well. Did plenty of writing yesterday, spoke to old friends.
This is where I want to be today. Rhossilli Beach Swansea.  Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Slept well. Another beautiful Spring morning. Feel more confident job hunting. Wrote extensively in my journal this morning. Yesterday was a turning point in my life. I felt calm and in control. I ooze confidence and my life seems to make more sense. Five years ago I was completely lost, I didn't know why I felt what I did. I was lost in a sea of churning emotions. Drinking was my only way out. Today after many years of soul searching I have a better understanding of what is going on in my head. I know of key moments in my life where I made decision that shape my behaviour today. Despite how it sounds I haven't been completely self absorbed. The most important thing I learnt was how to play and ,to state the obvious, the importance of good friends. They kept me sane and gave me self confidence and love. Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Got to bed at ten, exhausted, quickly fell into a deep sleep. Wokeup early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. A head full of thoughts. Angry thoughts. Felt distrustful and betrayed. Finally got back to sleep at five, got out of bed at eight and I need to be at work at eight thirty. Where did that come from, I felt like a victim.
I'll be sluggish all day from lack of sleep. Beautiful day and I missed the sun streaming through the windows this morning. Monday, April 07, 2003
Successfully lead Bob astary. Started in the local pub, where we met a 60 year old pool hustler named Brian. Then we all agreed to take it easy and not go clubbing. Three pints later we are calling a taxi to go clubbing, we can't get into Escape so opt for The Palace instead. It is "drum and bass" night. There aren't many people there, the music is passable, live rapping. Free food is served for some reason, and I get very drunk.
I've been tense, can't relax. Hoped the beach would sort it out, it didn't. Hoped a "mad night" would sort it out, that didn't work. If we put off experiencing now fanatsizing future pleasure we never live anything. My feelings are important, why am I tense. I hate my job, could that be all of it. I fear the unknown, much more than ever. I feel my death and measure my life against it and find it wanting. Trite, cliche. My instincts demand change, they usually lead intellectual understanding. My daydreams make more sense, I escape into them rather than doing. I see a pattern and I understand why they occur. I want to translate their energy into the real world. I want to change, but change terrifies me. Saturday, April 05, 2003
I've escaped Manchester. I burned down the motorway to Swansea. I love driving full throttle late at night on empty fast roads. The weather is beautiful. I'm ready to fill my empty soul. For me Manchester is associated with the eternal trudge of work and Swansea is where I've had some of my most enjoyable experiences. My mind has been in a vice like grip all week but now I'm relaxing. I've brought my kite, my hippy clothes, and will be going to Rhosshili (bad spelling, I'll correct it later if I can be arsed) beach. I'm doing a good job of leading my old mate Bob astary from his studies and into a weekend of play and debauchery. I think we are due some clubbing tonight. Saturday night clubbing in Swansea, "I'll rather be in Baghdad" I hear you say. Call it my favourite extreme support.
I've had 7 visits to date. Yeah. True most people don't stay long but it is a start. I'm making connections. If you type "Buzz In My Head" into Google my site is the first one that comes up. I've made an impression on the world and contact with 7 strangers, some are probably old mates but I don't actually know. My site metering tool actualy informs me what route someone took to reach me (click on the total visits tool below if you are curious), one person typed "fucked in the head" in google at some ungodly hour in the morning. There is a connecton between me and some deranged psycho ( no offence if you ever log in again), if you do log in again what was going on in your fucked head . Isn't the internet cool. Friday, April 04, 2003
Manky Manchester. Grey, not quite rain. I know it will rain by "home time" as I walked into work rather than bring the 4 wheeled umbrella (K reg Vauxhall Astra). I have been considering where my life is going all week. I feel I need to take a few risks. Since I started my present job my " I can do anthing" confidence has drained. I always feel my energy being sucked away as I walk to work, once I arrive I feel half there. I see my patterns alot more clearly. I need to stop being so hard on myself and stop waiting and start doing. I seem unable to give myself any time. I am in the middle of something and already thinking about my next task.This gives me a headache.
This job is wrong for me and I stick with it for all the wrong reasons. Time to move on. War crimes. We know the world has got there when the side that wins a war is successfully convicted for its crimes. Thursday, April 03, 2003
Beautiful Manchester Spring morning. A real shame to be going to work. Don't feel I have many words today. I have been thinking about waiting. How many parts of my life seem to be parked up at the moment while I seem to be waiting for something. I think I have many excuses for inaction; am I waiting to be rescued? Slept deeply again last night, this seems to be becoming a habit. I used to need a large whisky to sleep well. I have cut my drinking down to a minimum so I just put up with shallow restless sleep. It was disheartening waking as tired as when I went to sleep. My mind would be sluggish and I would count the minutes until my working day was endured. My flat is wonderful in the Spring weather, the sun streams into the living room through a bay window as the birds sing their morning chorus.
My latest drug is running. I have ran for half an hour every day for over six months. I have recently developed a shin splint so I am giving myself a week off. I have been using the cross-trainer at the gym instead. I miss my running, the most disappointing part is that during the worst of the Winter runs I comforted myself with the thought of what it would be like in Spring. I hope my shin splint is cured soon. I have also bought lots of cool Nike runninmg stuff. When I first started jogging I looked like a tramp on the run. As I kept it up I rewarded myself by buying better running clothing. In fact often I felt it was too nice to be worn running and so wear it clubbing instead. Wednesday, April 02, 2003
Drank a bottle of wine last night. Finished the whole bottle even though I didn't really want to. This is a throwback to an older life. I've come a long way since I used to spend my evenings drinking to a torpid state. A state of mind I required to survive my existence, so I thought. This morning I have realised how far I have come. My energy was low this morning, purely due to the chemical affect of a bottle of wine on my body. I have a headache and feel unfocused. There was a time that this feeling was the background static to my life, noise that I always believed would be there. I thought it was what I wanted to do. I suspect the drink masked what I really wanted to do.
Time to move on. Tuesday, April 01, 2003
Blogger just lost my earlier entry. It was all over the place anyway.
I awoke to rain this morning after a deep and restful sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me, I enjoy the mornings. I like writing my journal first thing while drinking morning tea. My journal is more personal than my blog. I say things in it I'm too scared to even think. My flat is still a mess from my South Africa trip, I am making some headway in tidying it however I'm not devoting too much effort. The war still buzzes in my head. The anger needs to go somewhere so it goes here. Found an article on the BBC web site describing how the American media are competing with each other to see which outlet is the most patriotic. That says alot about the coverage in the States. In Punjab another word for the Devil is "chuute", which translates as lie. The lies we tell ourselves and the lies we choose to believe shape this world. This war is just making them more explicit. On a personal level seeing through the veil of lies I told myself to the truth behind them was the start of healing and growth. I believe this truth also applies to our society. The question we need to ask is what part did we play in allowing this war to happen. Monday, March 31, 2003
Woke up this morning and my head was buzzing. The prospect of another pointless day was part of it. I won't bore anyone with what I do, but it pays the bills and leaves me enough to buy toys so I shouldn't complain. The stupid war is also part of my buzz . It infects us like that pneumonia virus and we don't realise it. The sea of lies told by both sides enrages me. The passivity of the Amercican media has played heavily on my thoughts. I'm well aware how the "drip drip" of lies can invade the most guarded skull. The ulimate victory of Big Brother in 1984 was to invade Winston's skull. Has the American media achieved this or are there as many Yanks pissed off with their media as I am.
I've heard that Tony Blair has been ensuring British forces target Iraqi TV . I thought Blair's appreciation of the impact of Iraqi propaganda is quite telling. Blair is built on propaganda, people even trust him. Trusting a politician is a recipe for disaster. This war makes no sense, many of my colleages support it purely because they trust Blair. They trust him because he lies, sorry spins, better than the others. Links Courtesy of blogLinker.com   |
