My Bay Window

This is the view from my bay window this fine Spring morning. It is where I sit and stare, steeling myself before another day's work. The birds are singing and it is peaceful. It is an enriching experience sitting in my comfortable swivel chair and just staring out, marvelling at the Sun and the bird song. Happy Saturday.
posted by Jatinder at 8:08 AM

Me and My Kite On the Beach



I've been thinking about the scenes from the past which play in my head. There are half a dozen of them and they have replayed themselves so often that they fade into the background of my day. On occasions when I "write out" a knot in my stomach I find they are there. I realised that they are scenes from points in my life that shapped who I am today. I see them as places where I am trapped, or more accurately was trapped. I went back to all those claustrophobic places and I have rescued myself from them. In truth I am still rescueing myself ,I don't really know how long I will have to continue to do so but at least I can.

It took 33 years to see that.

I am a stranger to myself. How little I knew of what went on in my head and why. I don't believe we are rational creatures. We are driven by deeper forces. Our conscious mind rides these currents, usually helpless. I am the kite flyer and I have less control then I presume.

(pretentious but a great reference to kite flying and good excuse for the picture).
posted by Jatinder at 7:44 AM

My energy is low. I have discovered that my job is the main irritant in my life. It is unrewarding, boring and unchallenging ;everything else in my life is pretty good at the moment. Few words in me today. Feel vulnerable. Slept well. Did plenty of writing yesterday, spoke to old friends.


This is where I want to be today.

Rhossilli Beach Swansea.


posted by Jatinder at 8:39 AM

Slept well. Another beautiful Spring morning. Feel more confident job hunting. Wrote extensively in my journal this morning. Yesterday was a turning point in my life. I felt calm and in control. I ooze confidence and my life seems to make more sense. Five years ago I was completely lost, I didn't know why I felt what I did. I was lost in a sea of churning emotions. Drinking was my only way out. Today after many years of soul searching I have a better understanding of what is going on in my head. I know of key moments in my life where I made decision that shape my behaviour today. Despite how it sounds I haven't been completely self absorbed. The most important thing I learnt was how to play and ,to state the obvious, the importance of good friends. They kept me sane and gave me self confidence and love.
posted by Jatinder at 7:46 AM

Got to bed at ten, exhausted, quickly fell into a deep sleep. Wokeup early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. A head full of thoughts. Angry thoughts. Felt distrustful and betrayed. Finally got back to sleep at five, got out of bed at eight and I need to be at work at eight thirty. Where did that come from, I felt like a victim.

I'll be sluggish all day from lack of sleep.

Beautiful day and I missed the sun streaming through the windows this morning.
posted by Jatinder at 7:53 AM

Successfully lead Bob astary. Started in the local pub, where we met a 60 year old pool hustler named Brian. Then we all agreed to take it easy and not go clubbing. Three pints later we are calling a taxi to go clubbing, we can't get into Escape so opt for The Palace instead. It is "drum and bass" night. There aren't many people there, the music is passable, live rapping. Free food is served for some reason, and I get very drunk.

I've been tense, can't relax. Hoped the beach would sort it out, it didn't. Hoped a "mad night" would sort it out, that didn't work. If we put off experiencing now fanatsizing future pleasure we never live anything. My feelings are important, why am I tense. I hate my job, could that be all of it. I fear the unknown, much more than ever. I feel my death and measure my life against it and find it wanting. Trite, cliche. My instincts demand change, they usually lead intellectual understanding.

My daydreams make more sense, I escape into them rather than doing. I see a pattern and I understand why they occur. I want to translate their energy into the real world. I want to change, but change terrifies me.


posted by Jatinder at 8:16 AM