I've escaped Manchester. I burned down the motorway to Swansea. I love driving full throttle late at night on empty fast roads. The weather is beautiful. I'm ready to fill my empty soul. For me Manchester is associated with the eternal trudge of work and Swansea is where I've had some of my most enjoyable experiences. My mind has been in a vice like grip all week but now I'm relaxing. I've brought my kite, my hippy clothes, and will be going to Rhosshili (bad spelling, I'll correct it later if I can be arsed) beach. I'm doing a good job of leading my old mate Bob astary from his studies and into a weekend of play and debauchery. I think we are due some clubbing tonight. Saturday night clubbing in Swansea, "I'll rather be in Baghdad" I hear you say. Call it my favourite extreme support.

I've had 7 visits to date. Yeah. True most people don't stay long but it is a start. I'm making connections. If you type "Buzz In My Head" into Google my site is the first one that comes up. I've made an impression on the world and contact with 7 strangers, some are probably old mates but I don't actually know. My site metering tool actualy informs me what route someone took to reach me (click on the total visits tool below if you are curious), one person typed "fucked in the head" in google at some ungodly hour in the morning. There is a connecton between me and some deranged psycho ( no offence if you ever log in again), if you do log in again what was going on in your fucked head . Isn't the internet cool.
posted by Jatinder at 9:29 AM

Manky Manchester. Grey, not quite rain. I know it will rain by "home time" as I walked into work rather than bring the 4 wheeled umbrella (K reg Vauxhall Astra). I have been considering where my life is going all week. I feel I need to take a few risks. Since I started my present job my " I can do anthing" confidence has drained. I always feel my energy being sucked away as I walk to work, once I arrive I feel half there. I see my patterns alot more clearly. I need to stop being so hard on myself and stop waiting and start doing. I seem unable to give myself any time. I am in the middle of something and already thinking about my next task.This gives me a headache.

This job is wrong for me and I stick with it for all the wrong reasons.

Time to move on.

War crimes. We know the world has got there when the side that wins a war is successfully convicted for its crimes.


posted by Jatinder at 9:05 AM

Beautiful Manchester Spring morning. A real shame to be going to work. Don't feel I have many words today. I have been thinking about waiting. How many parts of my life seem to be parked up at the moment while I seem to be waiting for something. I think I have many excuses for inaction; am I waiting to be rescued? Slept deeply again last night, this seems to be becoming a habit. I used to need a large whisky to sleep well. I have cut my drinking down to a minimum so I just put up with shallow restless sleep. It was disheartening waking as tired as when I went to sleep. My mind would be sluggish and I would count the minutes until my working day was endured. My flat is wonderful in the Spring weather, the sun streams into the living room through a bay window as the birds sing their morning chorus.

My latest drug is running. I have ran for half an hour every day for over six months. I have recently developed a shin splint so I am giving myself a week off. I have been using the cross-trainer at the gym instead. I miss my running, the most disappointing part is that during the worst of the Winter runs I comforted myself with the thought of what it would be like in Spring. I hope my shin splint is cured soon. I have also bought lots of cool Nike runninmg stuff. When I first started jogging I looked like a tramp on the run. As I kept it up I rewarded myself by buying better running clothing. In fact often I felt it was too nice to be worn running and so wear it clubbing instead.
posted by Jatinder at 8:05 AM

Drank a bottle of wine last night. Finished the whole bottle even though I didn't really want to. This is a throwback to an older life. I've come a long way since I used to spend my evenings drinking to a torpid state. A state of mind I required to survive my existence, so I thought. This morning I have realised how far I have come. My energy was low this morning, purely due to the chemical affect of a bottle of wine on my body. I have a headache and feel unfocused. There was a time that this feeling was the background static to my life, noise that I always believed would be there. I thought it was what I wanted to do. I suspect the drink masked what I really wanted to do.

Time to move on.


posted by Jatinder at 8:20 AM

Blogger just lost my earlier entry. It was all over the place anyway.

I awoke to rain this morning after a deep and restful sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me, I enjoy the mornings. I like writing my journal first thing while drinking morning tea. My journal is more personal than my blog. I say things in it I'm too scared to even think. My flat is still a mess from my South Africa trip, I am making some headway in tidying it however I'm not devoting too much effort. The war still buzzes in my head. The anger needs to go somewhere so it goes here. Found an article on the BBC web site describing how the American media are competing with each other to see which outlet is the most patriotic. That says alot about the coverage in the States. In Punjab another word for the Devil is "chuute", which translates as lie. The lies we tell ourselves and the lies we choose to believe shape this world. This war is just making them more explicit. On a personal level seeing through the veil of lies I told myself to the truth behind them was the start of healing and growth. I believe this truth also applies to our society. The question we need to ask is what part did we play in allowing this war to happen.

posted by Jatinder at 10:40 AM

Woke up this morning and my head was buzzing. The prospect of another pointless day was part of it. I won't bore anyone with what I do, but it pays the bills and leaves me enough to buy toys so I shouldn't complain. The stupid war is also part of my buzz . It infects us like that pneumonia virus and we don't realise it. The sea of lies told by both sides enrages me. The passivity of the Amercican media has played heavily on my thoughts. I'm well aware how the "drip drip" of lies can invade the most guarded skull. The ulimate victory of Big Brother in 1984 was to invade Winston's skull. Has the American media achieved this or are there as many Yanks pissed off with their media as I am.

I've heard that Tony Blair has been ensuring British forces target Iraqi TV . I thought Blair's appreciation of the impact of Iraqi propaganda is quite telling. Blair is built on propaganda, people even trust him. Trusting a politician is a recipe for disaster. This war makes no sense, many of my colleages support it purely because they trust Blair. They trust him because he lies, sorry spins, better than the others.

posted by Jatinder at 9:24 AM